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No More Mr. Nice Guy

No More Mr. Nice Guy

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For Nice Guys, re–examining the relationship with their fathers means seeing their dads through their own eyes as they really are. Confidence is a question of either doubting or trusting your skills, knowledge, or odds of success in a given situation; self-respect is a question of believing on real rather than delusional evidence that you are a good person—more particularly, that you are the sort of person you like and admire, the sort of person you’d prefer to have around you in life, and not, instead, the sort of person you actually dislike or despise and would usually avoid or get away from. No one wants to pay for a real health care system, just as no one wants to pay to put our nation’s kids in front of good teachers in capable schools—we think we can get everything “on the cheap,” but what we really thus get is mostly garbage. To release sexual shame and fear, the recovering nice guy must expose every aspect of his sexual self too safe, supportive people.

One also should consult the great Albert Ellis himself in The Myth of Self-Esteem: How Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Can Change Your Life Forever (the distinction hinted at in the title being between accepting who you are, and what a healthy way of doing that looks like, and “thinking highly of oneself,” in the sense of arrogance or haughtiness or over-confidence, which is often divorced from any real understanding of oneself).The only logical solution was to try to appear to be needless and wantless while trying to get their needs met in indirect and covert ways. And figuring that out—figuring out whose opinions actually matter in formulating what you yourself agree is a good person—is crucial to human moral development. Five decades of dramatic social change and monumental shifts in the traditional family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others. Vagiphobia is a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it gets in.

Her book is extensively based on actual science, and provides science-based guidelines adaptable to pursuing and achieving any life goal, the pursuit of which will inevitably lead one out of any such conditions as “Nice Guy Syndrome,” should they really even exist. For example, Glover declares that seeking validation from a woman “requires” a man “to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman’s availability” for sex; which is not even plausibly true much less a healthy therapeutic claim to make to any client. Because one of the trap-beliefs of toxic masculinity is that any challenge to it is an effort to emasculate, and is therefore rejected.

I fully agree this profile contains nothing good in it, and is a great list for a person to check off as not being that. Glover should here cover the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy ideas and attitudes regarding sexuality and masculinity.

Yet toxic ideas about masculinity driving their dysfunction are more frequently going to come from men than from women, don’t you think? The only fix really is to start changing the cultural mindset about this, so we will collectively see this as a national infrastructure problem and not just another thing we throw mere chump change at because we don’t take it seriously.Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a nice guy’s pleasing demeanor, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him. Because of this reality, Nice Guys create adult relationships that mirror the dynamics of their dysfunctional childhood relationships.

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