Twenty years ago, someone finally told Americans what music was. The release of Now That’s What I Call Music! on October 27, 1998, was a turning point, a moment when the chaos of the auditory world was silenced; when consensus was reached by the mere declaration that nay, this—a collection of 17 contemporary songs—was music. Since that day we have had help in determining what is and what is not music (now), in the form of triannual installments in the Now series. We have never learned the identity of the authoritarian figure who guides us—this so-called “I”—but no matter, he or she or they or it has been just and resolute and unfleeting. The things they have called music have never been not-music, and so the ecosystem has remained intact. Chanté’s Got a Man” is a wildly rude song. The thesis of “Chanté’s Got a Man” is “Oh dang, it’s really too bad your boyfriend is cheating on you, but guess what: I’m in a very stable, rewarding relationship.” It’s just a whole bunch of boasting—all done in the third person—directed at a woman going through one of the hardest periods of her life. Chanté didn’t need to do this. 56. Now That’s What I Call Music! 66

NOW That’s What I Call Music! 46 [US] - Genius NOW That’s What I Call Music! 46 [US] - Genius

Speaking of Karmin, remember when Karmin was on Saturday Night Live? That was, um, interesting. The performance has mostly been scrubbed from the internet (which makes sense), but you can still read this breakdown by Vulture of all the absurd gestures Karmin made during it, which is probably better than actually rewatching the thing. 54. Now That’s What I Call Music! 34Here are five reasons why I think “Somebody That I Used to Know” isn’t remembered so kindly, despite it not being that bad a song: A hot take: “Need You Now” is one of the best songs of the decade, across all genres; it’s probably top five. 15. Now That’s What I Call Music! 31 Now 15 is an intriguing installment. Its Essential Score is 5.00, a relatively respectable rating on the higher end of a scale that ranges from 6.69 ( Now 48) to 3.13 ( Now 60). However, its Points Average sits at just 9.50 (the elite Now albums boast point averages in the upper teens). This means two things: That some of the album’s iconic songs surprisingly didn’t chart very well, and that the highs of the album were dragged down by much lower lows (I’m looking at you, “Everything” by Fefe Dobson). So before we move on, I’d like to give a couple of songs their due: people would be a lot more willing to concede that “Panda” is a pretty good song. 12. Now That’s What I Call Music! 55

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If we ever do a ranking called “Now That’s What I Call a Reality Show!” though, Jessica’s taking home the belt. 48. Now That’s What I Call Music! 23 Daniel Bedingfield’s “If You’re Not the One”, a song you probably only barely remember, is on this album. I bring that up only to note that, yes, Daniel Bedingfield is Natasha Bedingfield’s older brother! I hope Natasha brags about being called music more times than Daniel at family dinners. 65. Now That’s What I Call Music! 35In our universe, meanwhile, I’d expect “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper to land on, like, Now 69. Bradley Cooper is music. 14. Now That’s What I Call Music! 64 I have complete faith in the all-knowing “I,” but sometimes I wonder … 62. Now That’s What I Call Music! 67

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It also, for some reason, has Juvenile’s “Slow Motion,” marking one of the only times Now correctly classified rap as music. More on that below … 8. Now That’s What I Call Music! 49 Across 67 albums, only 14 songs received a perfect 10 in the Essential Score category. “Teenage Dream” is one of them, and because I don’t have much else to say about Now 36, now is a good time to do a mini ranking of all the most essential Now songs.I can’t really blame Now for this series of errors, though. The early 2000s were clearly messed up. We were a bunch of people running around barking at each other. Then when the barking stopped, we stopped listening. We as a culture need to take responsibility for our turn toward canine-related party jams, rather than hold Now accountable for its inability to predict that rather embarrassing phenomenon. 58. Now That’s What I Call Music! 15 Fun fact: Frankie J has been called music more times than Drake. 31. Now That’s What I Call Music! 53

Now That’s What I Call Music!’ Album, Ranked Every ‘Now That’s What I Call Music!’ Album, Ranked

It’s strange: People are pretty rude about mumblerap, but I don’t remember anyone throwing their hands up about Mystikal yelling “Danger!” into a microphone over and over again. 32. Now That’s What I Call Music! 19 Speaking of actresses making bizarre forays into the music world: Now 32 includes “Good Girls Go Bad” by Cobra Starship and Leighton Meester. That song is way better than “Cups,” by the way. 17. Now That’s What I Call Music! 21 I’m sorry, hang on. Did we just jump from Achilles and Hercules to SPIDER-MAN AND BATMAN? This is the worst book report on the Iliad ever written. 39. Now That’s What I Call Music! 30 Sample lyrics from “BareNaked”: “Sometimes I think I’m the only one/Whose day turned out unlike it had begun.” [ Whispers.] Jennifer, this is a description of literally every person’s everyday experience.If your song ends up on a commercial, especially one featuring a person dancing, congrats, dude—your song is probably music. 40. Now That’s What I Call Music! 63 It was very difficult choosing the most essential song off Now 6, which tells you why it’s ranked so high. In one corner you’ve got “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” by Jennifer Lopez, which was the subject of probably my favorite episode of Making the Video. In the next corner there’s Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open,” and may I just say WELCOME TOOOO THIS PLACE, I’LL SHOW YOU EVERYYYYTHANG. Then there’s “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, a song in which a man is caught literally having sex on the floor of a bathroom, and when that man asks Shaggy for advice, Shaggy just says, “Lie about it, bro.” Not helpful, Shaggy! She already saw me!